I`m not really much of a fan of Intarweb memes such as polls, quizzes, and whatever other sorts of “social engineering” takes place outside of my particular context. Internet, for me, is both a tool as well as a creative medium… but aside from the occasional humorous diversion, the largesse of media dribbles hold little interest from me.
That said, I am also inundated daily with everything from bizarre images and amusing videos to banal horoscopes and overly-sentimental glurge… not least of these are the maddening array of “getting to know you” polls and quizzes.
Since I got my first email address in the Autumn of `96, I have had my future proscribed and my intelligence quantified in numerous diverse ways. If such means are to be trusted, I am an extremely desirable “genius” who needs only to click the flashing link to find out the name of my secret crush.
My students are a purer breed than those of my generation, or those previous. For them, a MySpace account is as much a birthright as a cellular phone or iPod. Moreover, I reckon there are few of them that know of the quietness of being unplugged from it all… if only for a while.
I think my students regard me as a strange character – for though I can easily converse with them in the parlance of this brave new technological world, I am rather trenchant in dismissing much of its more vacuous particulars. My school email address is public record for them, and my popularity with the general student body ensures that my Inbox is scarcely empty.
However, there is one thing, of late, that has snagged my attention. A certain email titled “FWD:FW:RE:FW:ultimate personality quiz!!!!” has passed my way countless times in recent months, having been forwarded to, from, and between the student body/faculty of our campus.
I may wonder at many of the sillier trifles of my students` interest – but if wishing to know more about me is their aim, than I shall be glad to oblige.
Thus follows the “Ultimate Personality Quiz” a meandering superficial hodge-podge of data and inquiry:
Matthew (from the Hebrew for “gift of GOD”)
Native American (Iroquois) from father, Irish (with a faint trace of Welsh) from mother…
Birthday & Zodiac:
July 12th 1976, under the stars of Cancer in the year of the Dragon…
Birthplace (City, State):
Name every state you have ever lived in:
Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Florida, Texas, Ohio, Oklahoma, Maryland
Height / Weight:
6 feet 2 inches, 259 pounds…
black wreathed in dark bronze, with a slight maroon hue…
dark “Indian” brown, with increasingly silver highlights…
no tattoos; one piercing in each ear, though they have grown over in recent years…
casually formal, dark earth tones; v-neck shirts and cargo pants…
Do you Blog?
no, but I have kept an online journal since February of `03…
Do you have a MySpace, Facebook, account? Why?
yes, both; to keep in touch with far-away family and distant friends…
Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list?
yes, it is here…
Are you Republican/Democrat/Independent?
I am registered as an Independent; socially conservative-to-moderate, fiscally moderate-to-liberal…
Are you religious and if so, which religion?
yes, Christian (Protestant/Baptist)…
Do you think you are attractive?
no, but my wife does…
Shy or Outgoing:
Funny or Serious:
Best/worst job you have ever had:
worst: short-order Cook
What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Boatswain for a merchant vessel or Longshoreman…
What profession would you not like to participate in?
Waste Management or Politics…
What is one movie you could watch over and over again?
What is one song you could hear over and over again?
I`m So Tired by Al Green
What turns you on/off physically in a person?
on: modest self-confidence
off: foul body odor
What turns you on/off emotionally in a person?
on: sensitive vulnerability
off: selfish cruelty
What turns you on/off intellectually in a person?
on: profound insight
off: obdurate ignorance
What sound(s) do you love?
my children`s laughter, an orchestra tuning up before a performance, the sound of breath when sleeping, snowflakes falling on treetops, the way Otis Redding`s voice breaks in “I`ve Been Loving You Too Long”…
What sound(s) do you hate?
screeching car brakes, whining children, a ringing telephone…
What is your favorite word?
What is your least favorite word?
What is your favorite number(s)?
3, 7, 13, and 42
What is your favorite color(s)?
Well, since black is not technically a color, I would have to say green…
What are your favorite curse words (if any)?
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!!!
What is your favorite meal?
Fried chicken, mashed potatoes & gravy, corn on the cob, black-eyed peas, turnip greens, fresh baked rolls, and a tall glass of iced tea…
What is your favorite fruit/vegetable?
What is your favorite drink?
Tea (Chai or Earl Grey)…
What is your favorite animal?
African Elephant or Grizzly Bear…
What is your favorite holiday?
Christmas and Easter…
What is your favorite fragrance?
for a male: CKOne
for a female: Chanel #5
What sort of sense of humor do you have?
linguistic, absurdist, sight gag, and slapstick…
What is your best/worst memory as a child?
best: saving a childhood friend from drowning…
worst: watching my father beat-up a half-dozen or so police officers before finally being subdued…
What is the best concert you have ever attended?
#1) Nirvana at Trees Lounge in Dallas (September 19th 1991)
#2) Pearl Jam at Reunion Arena in Dallas (July 5th 1997)
#3) Fugazi at the Galaxy Club in Dallas (November 23rd 1998)
What is your favorite quote?
“…but man, proud man, dressed in a little brief authority, plays such fantastic tricks before high Heaven, as makes the Angels weep.”
How many hours do you sleep a night?
on average, between 4 and 6…
How well can you swim?
well above average…
Who is your favorite Musician? Artist? Athlete? Politician? Philosopher?
musician: Johann Sebastian Bach
artist: Rembrandt Van Rijn
athlete: Jim Thorpe
politician: Constantine the Great
philosopher: Augustine of Hippo
person: Jesus Christ
For or against?
Gambling: a waste of money…
One Nation, Under God: all nations are under GOD…
Drugs: lunacy disguised as enlightenment…
Illegal Immigrants: the backbone of the American economy…
Gay Marriage: semantically incoherent…
Death Penalty: Death is certainly a penalty…
Downloading Music: no more immoral than selling water…
Terrorism: the surgical strike tactic of the oppressed…
What are you thinking of… right this moment?:
That Harrison Ford keeps making the same movie over and over again. No, wait… now I am thinking about Gas prices. No, wait… now I am wondering what Candace is making for Supper this evening. No, wait…
Would you rather be feared or loved?
I want people to be afraid of how much they love me…
Presupposing that Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?
“Well done, My good and faithful servant!”
I will not forward this to anyone, this particular lunacy shall end with me.