What If I Died?

At the end of a long and winding day, as all within my household close their eyes in sleep, I remain awake… staring into the darkness. My beloved`s sleeping murmurs are a solace in this uninvited solitude. Every breath that is in her lungs is a tiny little gift to me. Yet, my mind begins to race into horrific fantasy… of pain upon pain, tragedies and deepest loss.

Those whom are close to me know that I have no true fear of dying – that is, to shuffle off this mortal coil and be hurled into the arms of my LORD is nothing to lament. Moreover, it is not of myself that my fears are inclined… but those I would leave behind.

Laying on my back and peering into sightless vision, I am not shaken by the concerns of what is to come of me if my days were to abruptly come to a close but I am gripped by a tremor of fear for my dear ones. To leave my children without their father and my wife without her husband, to not be there for them in any and all of their needs. What would they do without me?

I will look back on these words in the sunny daytime and laugh at my folly, shaking my head and bemused at how easily I was frighted by the false fires of my imagination. Be that as it may, my mind demands answers of my conscience.

Not that I am over-sentimental of grief… I know that my family would bear such a loss and find days to smile again soon enough. I have stood with Candace as she bore the loss of her dear father, and though the wound stays with her, she has been graced by the easy forgetfulness of such agonies that occur amidst the bustle of a busy life.

Admittedly, it is more to the pragmatic issues that my thoughts seems strangely preoccupied… at how my beloved wife would manage to earn a living while also raising and educating our children.

We are a household of meager means, with only a small circle of devoted friends who are, themselves, scrapping and struggling to make their own ways. Our plans and ambitions hang by the thinnest measures of providential good fortune. With the blessing of my new position, and the possibilities it presents, we hope to perhaps reverse the pecuniary annoyances which have seemed to plague us in recent years.

I don`t know… and all of this seems so incredibly stupid when I start to think about it analytically, but this is my primary vulnerability: my family. Of all the things I fear, I fear for them the most.

More than anything, this fear testifies to my ultimate frailty… that I will not simply turn loose of the chains that bind me, trusting in His sovereign dominion completely.

This is my Sin.

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